WHY IS MY CHILD OUT-OF-CONTROL? - TEMPERAMENT

Nine-year-old Derek’s dad: “When he was a toddler, if a drop of water landed on his clothes, he howled until we changed them. Since he wouldn’t nap, we’d put him in his bedroom and lock the door so we could take a breather.” Derek’s parents claimed managing him added to the strain on their already fragile marriage — and pushed it over the edge. They’ve been divorced for three years.

“I thought I married the father of the child in The Exorcist!” said Rayna, Lyle’s stepmother. “When Glenn and I married, he came with a small package: his five-year-old son, Lyle. Lyle was a specialist at ‘the tantrum.’ When he didn’t get his way, not only would he destroy the room, his head would spin!”

These stories paint a portrait of children who appear to pop out of the womb, saying, “Ah-ha! Hope you’ve had a good time, folks, because now it’s over! Guess who’s come to town!” They arrive on the scene shrieking, negative, hyper (sensitive and/or active), intractable, or unpredictable. And their parents try all, from consoling, yelling, bribing, to giving in, in exhausted desperation. The cost to these families can be huge.

As if managing them weren’t enough, these families get little support. While there’s a lot of finger-pointing, there are few understanding hands. After all, how hard can it be to set limits for a three-year old? If parents can’t, they think, “there must be something wrong with us.” And the guilt they don’t lay on themselves they often lay on one another. The result is, parents feel inadequate, helpless, foolish, furious, frightened, and out-of-control themselves, while wondering just what kind of child they’ve created.

Certainly, some children are extreme, and require thorough evaluation and treatment. But there are millions more who show aspects or traits, that are high maintenance.

The Facts:

· The numbers: As many as 15% of all kids under the age of six can be described as high-maintenance and millions more have some high-maintenance traits.

· Often high-maintenance kids are born, not made: Many experts now look to temperament to explain high maintenance kids. Research suggests much of the behavior we think of as tough in children, is inborn. Each of us comes into the world with specific traits that can make it “easier” or “harder” for our parents to raise us.

· Not all high-maintenance or out-of-control kids are alike: Many in our experience do not fit neatly into a category. At Camp MakeBelieve, we recognize that all children vary markedly in terms of range of behavior.

Range of Behavior

“Out-of-Control” are three little words that embrace a big concept. That concept includes the way we see it and how it feels to us, as well as the behavior itself.

The truth is, our little Johnny’s and Judy’s aren’t out-of-control:

· all the time,

· in all ways,

· in all places, or

· to the same degree

Virtually all of the parents of kids in Camp MakeBelieve report that their child’s behavior is not fixed in stone. While there are definite patterns they can identify, there are times little Judy is gentle, sweet, funny, inventive, and times when this same sweetheart can strike terror in the hearts of anyone around her. After evaluation and working with us, Judy’s mom came to realize Judy gets wildest around four p.m. when she’s hungry and is forced to go on an appointment. At noon, watching her favorite cartoons, she’s a doll! Johnny’s Mom has come to realize that her son gets way more out-of-control when his dad forces him to sit at the table and “clean his plate” than when they allow him to eat what he wants to at the table.

So, not all kids are “out-of-control” all the time, the same way, or to the same degree.

Out-of-control children then, are the product of a stressful, overwhelming world and its effect on individual temperament. As we’ve shown, modern stress is such that it taxes our children’s resources, while failing to provide the practical and ethical supports needed to cushion, and counteract these negative effects. As a result ... all children are vulnerable to out-of-control behavior.