WHY IS MY CHILD OUT-OF-CONTROL? STRESS

“Get tougher on him!” “Take the computer away!” “You let that kid get away with murder!” “You’d never see that in my day!”

All these comments may come from loving grandparents who seem to pull out an endless supply of admonitions — all of which point to you, the parent as the culprit. And why not? In “their” day, things appeared to be “in control.” Ward and Ozzie were gainfully employed (at something) and were home at five, while June and Harriet baked and bandaged skinned knees.

If it wasn’t precisely “how it was” then, it’s even less “how it is” now. Then, as now, children exhibited out-of-control behaviors and they as well as those around them, suffered for it. The biggest difference between then and now is that we recognize the basis for these behaviors and have better methods for dealing with them. The factors that play in out-of-control behavior are:

*external-stress

*temperamental

In this article we discuss the major “external” reason for out-of-control behavior: STRESS

The Stress Factor(s)

We believe the number one reason for overload, and the resulting out-of-control behavior, is stress. Constant, unrelenting, unrelieved, unmitigated stress is the by-product of a belief system and conditions that surround our children today.

Change Overload: The world around us is changing with lightening speed. We still haven’t fully realized the effect of TV dinners on our psyches, never mind the Internet. We do know that change itself is a powerful stressor. Quick change is not only a fact of modern life, we’ve made it a fact of our children’s lives — one they’re not developmentally prepared to handle. Within a normal day, the average six-year-old is expected to adjust to a host of settings, care-givers, schedules, and demands, far above his capacity to adapt. The result is stress and out-of-control behavior.

Emotional Overload: Families are in crisis. Intense stress, once believed to be the province primarily of the disadvantaged, has now become an “equal opportunity” problem as two parents work long hours to pay bills in a time of financial uncertainty and bigger than ever financial expectations and obligations. “Quality” time is often a few moments on the run. As stressed parents, we’re teaching our children the language of anxiety, rage, and fear, while failing to teach the skills and values they need to control these feelings.

Single parenting presents its own set of problems. While many single parents are capable, loving, and wise, when single-parenting is the result of rapid separation, for example, divorce or death, the stress on children is undeniable. Stress worsens when the parent is stressed emotionally and practically. Children are often expected to “partner” the parent — even mediate adult issues, such as dating, finances, even relations with ex’es! Today, many parents and kids face crises alone, without the loving support of family, church, or the community. The result is more stress and out-of-control behavior in a world with fewer emotional supports.

Expectation and Achievement Overload: We expect our children to act like adults, by allowing them — even encouraging them — to take on obligations far beyond them. It’s not unusual for a third-grader to be put in charge of his younger siblings, including unlocking the house after school, checking homework, and preparing dinner until mom gets home from work.

An unsavory companion is achievement overload. Over the course of the last thirty years, we Boomers have increasingly foisted our obsession with competition onto our progeny. We created a world around us that contributes mightily to expectation and achievement overload, even setting up “values” to support — not what’s best for the child -- but what’s best for us, and “the system.”

Schools have all too often become factories of conformity, fostering the decline of individualization in favor of standardization. Dedicated educators often spend more time policing corridors than teaching. Under pressure to teach academics, we give our children information, but fail to teach the feelings and values required to become successful human beings. Cheating, fudging, winning at all costs, and malingering, are natural consequences of kids on stress overload. Is it any wonder schools are plagued with out-of-control behavior, from bullies to bullets?

Mass media promotes images of sex, violence, and unrealistic precocious, role models at the very time controls have minimized. Children are being fed more than they can understand. Most disturbing is the propensity to show adults engaged in brutal and out-of-control behavior. This “message” to children is clear. If grown-ups have no control over their impulses, than how can they possibly ever hope master their own? The result, once more is stress and unwitting sanctioning of out-of-control behavior.

A World in Crisis: Terror and terrorism have caused massive changes in the very foundations of our beliefs and our systems. The crisis of terror has severely compromised our ability to hope. When children see adults frightened and in despair, hope is shattered. Once again, the result is stress and out-of-control behavior.

We can’t change the world but the Camp MakeBelieve program can mitigate the effects of stress on our children.