BULLYING: WHAT IF YOUR CHILD IS A VICTIM?

Twelve-year-old Stephanie dreaded school. Life changed when the sensitive girl who excelled in music, entered middle school. Stephanie felt that nothing about her “fit in”-- from her clothes, to her interests. Never athletic, gym was the worst. It started at the lockers where the “cool” group taunted her, then continued as they spread rumors about her. Walking to the cafeteria was a nightmare. Her grades suffered, as she started getting “stomach aches” and often stayed home. Afraid to make things worse, she suffered in silence.

Stephanie is not alone. According to recent statistics, one out of four kids is bullied.

“But bullying is a normal part of growing up,” said one father at a parents workshop. “I was bullied, and I learned to handle it - with a sock in the jaw!” Most of us have been bullied, as children, even as adults. But bullying is not normal. When allowed to continue, it erodes the life of the victim, the school — and even the bully! Victims suffer a loss of confidence and esteem as they live in fear and isolation. The effects can be lasting. Victims may even take on the role of their tormenters, leading to a cycle of torture. Bullies, unchecked as pre-teens, may grow into abusive adults, lacking in empathy, character and the skills to live peacefully in their communities.

Bullying defined:

Most kids argue, tease and do hurtful things to one another — from time to time. But most feel empathy, guilt, remorse, compassion, then make up and move on. The bully doesn’t. The bully takes perverse pleasure in using his power to hurt his victim, often over time, or even without cause. Bullying behavior includes rejection, name-calling, spreading rumors, threats, intimidation and physical torment.

If Your Child Is a Victim:

· Help him recognize and admit it. Encourage him to detail what’s going on and show your complete support. He deserves to feel safe.

· Make sure your child knows it’s not his fault. Bullies pick kids for all sorts of reasons — jealousy, size, differences — or there may be no reason at all.

· Discuss how she’s been handling the bullying and come up with solutions together. Assuming no physical danger, she might try ignoring the bully, or responding with confidence. For example: "Why the name-calling? Did I do something to you?” If this fails, she must walk away.

· Involve the school. Find out if they have a bullying policy and how they can intervene. Many schools have peer and buddy programs, and use techniques, such as role-playing to solve the problem. Insist the school partner you and your child.

· Help your child build confidence!

— Encourage him to build friendships by providing new opportunities, for example, joining clubs in and outside of school.

— A class in self-defense or other athletic pursuits is a great confidence booster.

— Be supportive of your child’s differences, while being sensitive to ways he can “fit in” more comfortably. Does she walk with her head down? Does his behavior target him? Children with disorders, such as Asperger’s, often have difficulty in social situations. You want to be attentive to helping him build-in more appropriate behavior, along with celebrating his special gifts.

Bullying hurts everyone. Parents, teachers and communities need to work together on policies and strategies — starting in pre-school — that get kids talking, feeling, caring. Most of all, they need to add a “C” to the three “R’s” — “character.”