Initiating Conversations

07/28/10 | 14:17

Initiating Conversations

Children can learn to become active participants in developing friendships with peers and connections with  family, neighbors, teachers and others.  Having healthy relationships becomes paramount to success in life. And parents can help their child to practice in a safe arena, when they are together. Children with good social skills not only show interest in playing  with peers, but are able to initiate and keep their friends. Parents can help teach social strategies by modeling appropriate, friendly conversations when meeting people for the 1st time or bumping into them later.

Have fun with your child by playing the “Who are the People in our Neighborhood?” game. Each of you pick someone out during the day (maybe a bank teller, a check out clerk, soccer coach, person walking a dog or new team mate). One of you observes as the  other uses good eye contact, a smile and a friendly greeting, then asks the unaware neighborhood person 2 or 3 questions, listens for the answer, makes a comment.  In other words, first you, then your child, begins a friendly conversation then give each other feedback.  Always remember to introduce your child to whomever you are speaking. For example, you see your neighbor as you are pulling out the trash cans with your son.  You may say, “Good morning Mrs._________.  How are you feeling today? (comment on the feeling). I noticed your flowers bloomed this week. What type of fertilizer did you use? (listen for answer). Thanks, I may get that too! It was great seeing you. Enjoy your day!” Then let your child have a turn with the next person you bump into that day. Make it fun! It’s a game for social learning and most people enjoy the chance to socialize a bit. Through this game, children realize that we all have things in common with one another, and when we discover our commonalities, we are on the road to initiating friendship! 

Friendly Tips:

● Encourage your child to notice and acknowledge the people they come into contact with – unless it feels like an unsafe situation.  Please use common sense with this exercise.  If your neighbors are sketchy or you feel unsafe, trust your feelings.  Choose a park or school playground instead.

● Acknowledging someone can be done as simply as having eye contact, smiling warmly and saying a pleasantry (“hello”, “good morning”, “how are you?”) when entering a classroom, walking down a hallway, or standing next to a fellow teammate at an event. 

● Model good social skills.  When having a discussion, turn off phones, games, TVs, etc.  Be respectful, show real interest, and ask pertinent questions.

● Some children are naturally outgoing and sociable, some are shy, and others unaware.  Shyness often comes across as being stand-offish or rude.  

● It’s useful to remind the child in advance of entering a social situation to walk with confidence, appear cheerful, say hello while looking interested in their surroundings – especially with a peer group.

KIDS! SPORTS! HOW?

07/14/09 | 07:17

What role do we, as parents have in getting our kids to try out for sports? Increasingly, I hear complaints from parents that their child is insecure or fearful about just trying out. Parents’ report they encourage their children to sign up for a sport and then become discouraged themselves when their children refuse. Parents then label their child as non-athletic, apathetic, lazy or unmotivated. After talking to hundreds of children and teens in both my Camp MakeBelieve Kids after-school program and my private counseling practice, I realized the problem is not always that child. Often there are environmental factors to consider that inhibit kids and turn them off of sports?

Let’s take a look at what the inhibiting factors are that I have observed. If you have more, please feel free to give feedback on our blog.

Inhibitor #1: Parents living through their children:

Many parents think their child can become the “world’s best” of his chosen sport. Even though sports were designed as games to play, parents have turned them into feats of competition and winning at all costs. Parents become obsessed with the sport. We all know about the “soccer Mom’s” with their viscous attitudes and voices from the sidelines. We’ve all heard about the fights between parents from opposing teams. How embarrassing this is for a child or teen to witness these attacks – from their own parents! And however great it is that the parent/s are involved with their child, the focus switches from the child having fun to having to be the star. How frustrating for a child when they can’t live up to their parent’s expectations.

Inhibitor #2: Discipline fizzles:

In order to become “the best,” changes have to be made. Quite often, this means a new diet plan. To give you an example of my frustration with this particular issue, let me introduce my young friend, Cecilia. Cecilia is a very healthy, tall, attractive 14 year old Hispanic girl with long lean legs that are building muscle as we speak. She has been quite active in the sport of tennis. She has lots of friends on her team, loves to go to practice with her team and has fun! She is hungry quite often as she burns calories like crazy.

After 1 year of tennis, Dad is getting involved making comments as, “Cecilia, do you notice the body that your captain has? Yes? She is quite muscular and wow, what a great player. She made varsity team as a freshman. Now, Cecilia, you will never be the best with that extra body fat. Why, you first need to lose about 10 # and then we’ll work on gaining muscle. Once you have the extra muscle you can run much faster and have better endurance. No, don’t eat that extra piece of (fruit, chicken, sandwich, etc.). I see you are looking much leaner today. What was your weight? What? No snacks between meals! Go out and have a run instead. How will you be the best you can be?” Now she’s sneaking food (because athletes are hungry). She feels awkward and embarrassed when Dad makes comments about her weight (body fat, BMI, how she looks in clothes). She is frustrated because Dad is focused on some long range goal in the future that once she changes her body (which is incredible already) she will be faster, better, more competitive, taking over the captain’s spot.

What does it mean to be the best that you can be? That means that right now, the way you are right now, in size, height, weight, muscle mass, body index, fat content, amounts of practices you have already had, and games played that you have already experienced. It’s the best you can be right now! Today. The present moment.

Inhibitor #3: Sport burn out:

What started as a challenge to get better has now turned into pressure and burn-out. I have a great example of loving a sport, taking on any challenge and then dreading it. I was bitten by the golf bug in 1989 after moving to sunny Las Vegas from the gray clouds of Chicago. I loved this sport so much I played it every single day (except Christmas when course was closed) for an entire 3 years. All I talked was golf, all my friends were golfers and my best friend was my golf coach. I dreamed golf and won tournaments on a very regular basis. This may sound like fun and at first it was. But it was never easy. No matter what the weather, like a dork, I was out there working on my game. In Las Vegas that means wind blowing at 60 m/p/h, sun glowing at 110 degrees or snow flurries with frozen ground until 10:00 am. For the golfers out there you’ll be impressed to hear my handicap when down from 48 to 27 (1^st year), to 18 (2^nd year) and then to a 14 (3^rd year). I quit when I couldn’t improve any further. I thought if I try harder, practice more or get a different coach my handicap would drop even further. What started as a hobby turned into a very frustrating job! My friends often wonder why I just dropped off the face of the golf course. I often wonder if I’d still be playing the game if someone told me, “Pam, this is as good as you’re going to get. So just relax and enjoy the sport.” I was told the opposite actually. I left feeling like a failure.

Let’s hear from some of you. What factors do you think are influencing children to avoid trying out for sports?