Why is my Child Out-of-Control?

“Get tougher on him!” “Take the computer away!” “You let that kid get away with murder!” “You’d never see that in my day!”

All comments from loving grandparents, who seem to pull out an endless supply of admonitions — all of which point to you, the parent as the culprit. And why not? In “their” day, things appeared to be “in control.” Ward and Ozzie were gainfully employed (at something) and were home at five, while June and Harriet baked and bandaged skinned knees.

If it wasn’t precisely “how it was” then, it’s even less “how it is” now. The factors in play in out-of-control behavior are:

•  external-stress
•  temperamental

In this article we discuss the major “external” reason for out-of-control behavior: STRESS

The Stress Factor(s)
We believe the number one reason for overload, and the resulting out-of-control behavior, is stress. Constant, unrelenting, unrelieved, unmitigated stress is the by-product of a belief system and conditions that surround our children today.

Change Overload: The world around us is changing with lightening speed. We still haven’t fully realized the effect of TV dinners on our psyches, never mind the Internet. We do know that change itself is a powerful stressor. Quick change is not only a fact of modern life, we’ve made it a fact of our children’s lives — one they’re not developmentally prepared to handle. Within a normal day, the average six-year-old is expected to adjust to a host of settings, care-givers, schedules, and demands, far above his capacity to adapt.

The result? Stress and out-of-control behavior.

Emotional Overload: Families are in crisis. Intense stress, once believed to be the province primarily of the disadvantaged, has now become an “equal opportunity” problem as frequently two parents work long hours to pay bills in a time of financial uncertainty and bigger than ever financial expectations and obligations. “Quality” time is often a few moments on the run. As stressed parents, we’re teaching our children the language of anxiety, rage, and fear, while failing to teach the skills and values they need to control these feelings.

Single parenting presents its own set of problems. While many single parents are capable, loving, and wise, when single-parenting is the result of rapid separation, for example, divorce or death, the stress on children is undeniable. Stress worsens when the parent is stressed emotionally and practically. Children are often expected to “partner” the parent — even mediate adult issues, such as dating, finances, even relations with ex’es! Today, many parents and kids face crises alone, without the loving support of family, church, or the community.

The result? More stress and out-of-control behavior in a world with fewer emotional supports.

Expectation and Achievement Overload: We expect our children to act like adults, by allowing them — even encouraging them — to take on obligations far beyond them. It’s not unusual for a third-grader to be put in charge of his younger siblings, including unlocking the house after school, checking homework, and preparing dinner until mom gets home from work.

An unsavory companion is achievement overload. Over the course of the last thirty years, we Boomers have increasingly foisted our obsession with competition onto our progeny. We created a world around us that contributes mightily to expectation and achievement overload, even setting up “values” to support — not what’s best for the child -- but what’s best for us, and “the system.”

The result? Stress and unwittingly sanctioned out-of-control behavior.

A World in Crisis: Terror and terrorism have caused massive changes in the very foundations of our beliefs and our systems. The crisis of terror has severely compromised our ability to hope. When children see adults frightened and in despair, hope is shattered.

Once again, the result? Stress and out-of-control behavior.

We can’t change the world but the Camp MakeBelieve Experience is designed to mitigate the effects of stress on children.

Visit our online store to discover the exciting resources we have available to parents and guardians. Learn how your child can become a master of self control!

TEMPERAMENT

Nine-year-old Derek’s dad: “When he was a toddler, if a drop of water landed on his clothes, he howled until we changed them. Since he wouldn’t nap, we’d put him in his bedroom and lock the door so we could take a breather.” Derek’s parents claimed managing him added to the strain on their already fragile marriage — and pushed it over the edge. They’ve been divorced for three years.

“I thought I married the father of the child in The Exorcist!” said Rayna, Lyle’s stepmother. “When Glenn and I married, he came with a small package: his five-year-old son, Lyle. Lyle was a specialist at ‘the tantrum.’ When he didn’t get his way, not only would he destroy the room, his head would spin!”

These stories paint a portrait of children who appear to pop out of the womb, saying, “Ah-ha! Hope you’ve had a good time, folks, because now it’s over! Guess who’s come to town!” They arrive on the scene shrieking, negative, hyper (sensitive and/or active), intractable, or unpredictable. And their parents try all, from consoling, yelling, bribing, to giving in, in exhausted desperation. The cost to these families can be huge.

As if managing them weren’t enough, these families get little support. While there’s a lot of finger-pointing, there are few understanding hands. After all, how hard can it be to set limits for a three-year old? If parents can’t, they think, “there must be something wrong with us.” And the guilt they don’t lay on themselves they often lay on one another. The result is, parents feel inadequate, helpless, foolish, furious, frightened, and out-of-control themselves, while wondering just what kind of child they’ve created.

Certainly, some children are extreme, and require thorough evaluation and treatment. But there are millions more who show aspects or traits, that are high maintenance.

The Facts:
The numbers: As many as 15% of all kids under the age of six can be described as high-maintenance and millions more have some high-maintenance traits.
Often high-maintenance kids are born, not made: Many experts now look to temperament to explain high maintenance kids. Research suggests much of the behavior we think of as tough in children, is inborn. Each of us comes into the world with specific traits that can make us “easier” or “harder” to raise.

Not all high-maintenance or out-of-control kids are alike: Many in our experience do not fit neatly into a category. At Camp MakeBelieve, we recognize that all children vary markedly in terms of range of behavior.

Range of Behavior
“Out-of-Control” are three little words that embrace a big concept. That concept includes the way we see it and how it feels to us, as well as the behavior itself.
The truth is, our little Johnnys and Judys aren’t out-of-control:

• all the time
• in all ways
• in all places
• or, to the same degree

Virtually all of the parents of kids in Camp MakeBelieve report that their child’s behavior is not fixed in stone. While there are definite patterns they can identify, there are times little Judy is gentle, sweet, funny, inventive, and times when this same sweetheart can strike terror in the hearts of anyone around her. After evaluation and working with us, Judy’s mom came to realize Judy gets wildest around four p.m. when she’s hungry and is forced to go on an appointment. At noon, watching her favorite cartoons, she’s a doll! Johnny’s Mom has come to realize that her son gets way more out-of-control when his dad forces him to sit at the table and “clean his plate” than when they allow him to eat what he wants to at the table.

So, not all kids are “out-of-control” all the time, the same way, or to the same degree.

Out-of-control children then, are the product of a stressful, overwhelming world and its effect on individual temperament. As we’ve shown, modern stress is such that it taxes our children’s resources, while failing to provide the practical and ethical supports needed to cushion, and counteract these negative effects. As a result ... all children are vulnerable to out-of-control behavior.

Order our Parenting Program and discover the exciting resources we have available to parents and guardians. Learn how your child can become a master of self control!

RAGE - ANGER IN CHILDREN

The anatomy of anger:
We are biologically programmed to act on our impulses, or feelings. The ability to react quickly was imperative to the very survival of early man, who needed to flee or fight in the event of danger. Close your eyes and imagine you’ve just returned home to find your living room in shambles, drawers emptied, and your possessions gone! Physical changes start occurring immediately. Your heart pounds, adrenaline charges through you, your hands feel a blood surge — all to ready your body for action. Even after the deed has been done. As humans developed the ability to think in complex ways, both brain functions — the reactive and the rational — can work together, allowing us to respond appropriately to what is going on around us.
An appropriate response means reacting effectively and in proportion to the situation. All of us have seen the blowhard in the diner who screams at the waitress because his ketchup bottle is empty, the driver who speeds up dangerously close to the car in front because he thought he was cut off — or the mother who grabs her toddler’s arm because the child is crying. All of these rage responses are ineffective, out of proportion — and out-of-control.

Despite the capacity for complex thinking, when our feelings overwhelm us, they flood our ability to make appropriate, safe choices.

When the world around us is stressful, we’re overwhelmed. When children are overwhelmed by the situation, in league with the stresses of the world around them and their temperament, they have even fewer resources to draw upon. The result is, their feelings and behavior spiral out-of-control, often in fury.

The Seduction of Anger:
Of all our negative emotions, anger is the most intoxicating. Think of how energizing it initially feels to replay and justify ourselves for all to hear! This internal “court,” if you will, keeps stoking our anger. Even its explosion can be a “hoot,” mirroring our own desire to “lose control.” It’s the stuff that keeps the Jerry Springers in business — and our children revved up and misled.

The Cost of Seduction:
Many people believe that children are immune to the stress diseases we see in adults. Research has shown this is untrue. Even in children who hide (or repress) their anger, the health risks are there. Pediatricians, parents, teachers, and therapists are reporting stress-anger related symptoms in children — headaches, fatigue, sleep disturbances, worsening allergies, compromised immune systems, proneness to accidents, high cholesterol, stomach aches, ulcers, colitis — in greater numbers.

In the Parenting Program and Professional Program workbook, we’ve chosen to focus on moods, and most particularly anger, as we see moods — their identification and management -- as basic to all behavior and anger as a predominant and pressing problem for children, their families, and our communities.

Need help with Child Anger Management?
Our programs teache the essentials of Becoming a Master of Self Control through specifically designed strategies you can use to help your child identify and manage moods, especially anger over time, and on the spot.

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