Part One

BULLYING: IF YOUR CHILD IS A VICTIM

Twelve-year-old Stephanie dreaded school. Life changed when the sensitive girl who excelled in music, entered middle school. Stephanie felt nothing about her “fit in”-- from her clothes, to her interests. Never athletic, gym was the worst. It started at the lockers where the “cool” group taunted her, then continued as they spread rumors about her. Walking to the cafeteria was a nightmare. Her grades suffered, as she started getting “stomach aches” and often stayed home. Afraid to make things worse, she suffered in silence.

Stephanie is not alone. According to recent bullying statistics, one out of four kids is bullied.

“But bullying is a normal part of growing up,” said one father at a parents workshop. “I was bullied, and I learned to handle it. With a sock in the jaw!” Most of us have been bullied, as children, even as adults. But bullying is not normal. When allowed to continue, it erodes the life of the victim, the school — and even the bully! Victims suffer a loss of confidence and esteem as they live in fear and isolation. The effects can be lasting. Victims may even take on the role of their tormenters, leading to a cycle of torture. Bullies, unchecked as pre-teens, may grow into abusive adults, lacking in empathy, character and the skills to live peacefully in their communities.

Bullying, a definition:
Most kids argue, tease and do hurtful things to one another — from time to time. But most feel empathy, guilt, remorse, compassion, then make up and move on. The bully doesn’t. The bully takes perverse pleasure in using his power to hurt his victim, often over time, or even without cause. Bullying behavior includes rejection, name-calling, spreading rumors, threats, intimidation and physical torment.

If Your Child Is a Victim of Bullying:

• Help him recognize and admit it. Encourage him to detail what’s going on and show your complete support. He deserves to feel safe.
• Make sure your child knows it’s not his fault. Bullies pick kids for all sorts of reasons — jealousy, size, differences — or there may be no reason at all.
• Discuss how she’s been handling the bullying and come up with solutions together. Assuming no physical danger, she might try ignoring the bully, or responding with confidence: For example: "Why the name-calling? Did I do something to you?” If this fails, she must walk away.
• Involve the school. Find out if they have a bullying policy and how they can intervene. Many schools have peer and buddy programs, and use techniques, such as role-playing to solve the problem. Insist the school partner you and your child.
• Help your child build confidence!
• Encourage him to build friendships by providing new opportunities, for example, joining clubs in and outside of school.
• A class in self-defense or other athletic pursuits is a great confidence booster.
• Be supportive of your child’s differences, while being sensitive to ways he can “fit in” more comfortably. Does she walk with her head down? Does his behavior target him? Children with disorders, such as Asperger's, often have difficulty in social situations. You want to be attentive to helping him build-in more appropriate behavior, along with celebrating his special gifts.

Bullying hurts everyone. Parents, teachers and communities need to work together on policies and strategies — starting in pre-school — that get kids talking, feeling, caring. Most of all, they need to add a “C” to the three “Rs” — “character.”

Bullying Part Two

IF YOUR CHILD IS A BULLY

"Bullying is a normal part of growing up. I was bullied, and I learned to handle it. With a sock in the jaw!" We reported this remark made by a dad, in a parent workshop in our first article on victims of bullying. In this, the second of our two-part series, we’ll add that his son, "Billy" – was in one of our groups because Dad passed “the sock” down to Billy as a way of handling conflict. Ten-year-old Billy "socked" his way through fifth grade recess.

Jennifer had it all. A natural leader, this pretty 12-year-old headed up a clique of adolescent girls much like the Queen of Hearts who commanded "off with their heads." Jennifer’s sword was banishment, which sent a chill through the tender hearts of her '‘unworthy' peers.

Bullying: A Definition Re-Visited: We all tease, argue, gossip and engage in other, less than noble, human traits. The difference between the “normal” lapses and bullying may best be defined by motive, feelings – and consequences. While most of us feel those guilt pangs when we “slip,” then apologize and alter our behavior, the bully lacks the empathy to either understand or care about his victim. The torture is often specific, calculated, and continuous. Simply, the bully uses physical or verbal abuse to achieve his goals, whether practical, or emotional.

Portrait of a Bully: The very word often conjures a cartoon image of the hairy-knuckled brute with the words “BIFF,” “BAM,” “SOCK” ballooning overhead. But, not all raise a fist or threaten mayhem. Bullies come in more varieties than Heinz. Like “Jennifer” above, some shake their adorable curls, as they reject, name-call, spread rumors, and trample on the feelings of their victims.

Just as bullies vary in shape and style, so do the reasons for the behavior. Power, envy, revenge, fear or dislike of difference, are a few, along with “fitting in” or imitating mom, pop, or the “gang.”

What all bullies have in common is a lack of empathy for their victims and the skills to express want they want and how they feel appropriately.

If Your Child Is a Bully

DON’TS

• Rush to judgment. Get the facts.
• If the facts are correct – your child is engaging in bullying – don’t deny (or let your child deny). Act!

DO’S

• Call your child on it, calmly. Present the facts. “Your teacher called. She’s very concerned about your behavior.”
• Detail what you know. Be specific. “I’ve learned that you push Jimmy in the lunchroom.” Name it. “That’s bullying.”
• Clearly state your disapproval, and the consequences. Be firm.
• Get to the root of the behavior. Ask questions. Is something upsetting him? Why has he targeted Jimmy and what’s behind the pushing? Is he alone or is he being bullied by his friends?
• Help him empathize. Ask him to change places with the victim and act out the scene. How does it make him feel when he’s pushed? Teased? Tormented? Has it ever happened to him? Help him personalize the feeling so he may begin to understand the emotional consequences he’s inflicting on others.
• Is she aware of the consequences? Bullying can leave serious permanent scars on victims. Can he live with it? What about the personal scars – on his school or court record?
• The power of bullying is temporary. Even the “popular” bully is working off of the fears of peers and stays in charge through intimidation, not affection. More, bullies are disliked by authority figures for good reason. They make the world a more dangerous, less humane place.
• Find better strategies. Discuss how she can get her needs met and her feelings out there – safely and civilly. She adores being the “leader?” OK. But bullies who lead are tyrants or terrorists. Great leaders inspire with great people skills. Work with her on developing them..
• Work with the school. Team with the staff to help build-in those skills and sanctions.
• Model empathy, kindness and fair negotiation for your child. If you or others are frequently in “combat” with friends, family or the neighborhood, you’re sending the message that aggression is your M.O. of choice. If so, consider an anger management program.
• Be supportive of when your child makes good choices, shows empathy and uses appropriate strategies to solve problems.
• Stay firmly in the loop. Keep on top of your child’s progress with the school and any other programs where your child is a participant.
• Stay connected with your child! Communication is all. Stay involved.

Anger and conflict, is a natural part of the life experience. An evolved human being learns the skills to deal with them using negotiation, empathy – and respect for himself and others. Once the bully realizes there’s a better way, he will not only become a more successful person, with higher self-esteem, but he will be contributing to world without “bullies” and "victims."

This needs to happen, one child at a time.

Click on the following links to read about how Camp MakeBelieve gives you tools and techniques to help the child who is a bully and the child who is a victim of bullies.

Go to the Parenting Program